Now, I find myself working in a typical office environment, working a typical nine-to-five schedule. I can’t complain really. I get to relax in the evenings and I get a full weekend to play, to read, to write, to watch movies, to relax, and to recuperate from the long work week. I guess the trouble for me is that I don’t really relax in the evenings or on the weekends as much as I should. I try to, but it’s become a recurrent comment from my peers in 2009 that I need to relax more. It’s just hard to relax when I have bestowed so much pressure upon myself to achieve my ultimate career goal of becoming a successful freelance writer. I didn’t realize how much of a business it is to be a freelance writer. Of course, they never taught the business side of journalism when I was going to school. All they taught was the writing, reporting and production side of things.

So now I’m thinking: if I am essentially my own boss, then what kind of schedule should I have? Well, given that I work full-time during the day, my schedule seems to be in the evenings and on the weekends. So if I’m always working, when do I get free time? Aside from having sufficient play time, another problem I seem to be having is that of prioritizing. Maybe I’m just harder on myself than anyone else has ever been on me, but I think I could prioritize better. There is always room for improvement and growth, and I definitely believe that I could be more efficient. I just haven’t found the secret formula to living the life I want, because, to be quite frank, I just can’t decide. You see, I’ve been fantasizing about an alternate work schedule but at the cost of a less steady, variable pay.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering if I would have had more free time had I opted to remain working in the restaurant business. I hated the customer service aspect of it (as good as I am at it with my lively personality) but I absolutely loved the variety. Everyday was a new day filled with new and interesting people who each viewed the world from a different lens. Part of my specialty in customer service is the fact that I can be quite the conversationalist once you get me going (otherwise I’m just shy and standoffish), and once a customer gets me going, I find that I’m always learning something new by how they interpret the people and world around them as a result of the lens that they see the world through.

People just intrigue the hell out of me sometimes. I can’t help but be fascinated by other people’s perspective, by their motives and by their behaviors. Psychology fascinates me. It’s an overwhelming subject, and I might not understand it all, but still I am fascinated by human nature, carnal urges and by human emotions.

Anyway (I went off on a tangent there), so where was I? Oh yes, sometimes, I find myself wondering what it’d be like to work at nights again, but not have to work on the weekends or on holidays. If I didn’t have to worry about money, I’d much prefer to have a restaurant as an “office” because I like the people traffic. I like talking to people and learning about the way they see things because in turn, I am learning about myself and how I see things. It’s these sort of mini-revelations that I have nearly everyday that compelled me to become a writer. Everyone is searching for something, and if I can be of service to anyone by sharing my knowledge or insight, then I will know that I have achieved my life’s purpose.

I know what my purpose is in life, and I’ve known for awhile now. I’m one of the lucky ones. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure who they are or why they are. As for me, well, who I am changes everyday with every new experience. I’m a neurotic freak of nature, and I’ve learned to be okay with that. As for why I am, I am who I am because of my purpose. And I will dedicate my life to achieving that purpose, even if I die trying or if it means being a relationship martyr. (I’ll talk about my revelation on that some other time).

I think, no, I know, that my purpose in life is to become a self-help writer. I’ve been helping myself for years through reading and self-awareness, and as many times as I wanted to overdose on painkillers or sleeping pills, I’ve always managed to find a way to keep myself alive. When it comes down to it, my reason for living is my purpose – the why I am here factor. I will not die until my purpose has been fulfilled, after which I intend to die of natural causes like skin cancer (I always forget to use sun block), a heart attack or stroke (at risk from my mom’s side) or maybe diabetes (at risk from my dad’s side).

So what does the ideal work schedule look like for a woman on a mission to fulfilling her purpose? Maybe there is none. I think I’ll  just take my time with this purpose business because I’m in no rush to die anytime soon if, in fact, we are all beings created for a distinct purpose.

It’s amazing what a positive attitude can do for you. I think that losing my job on Thursday due to budget cuts was seriously a blessing in disguise. Of course,  I didn’t realize it at first and was so freaked out about no longer having a job that I immediately applied for a “dance hostess” position at a gentleman’s club in an act of desperation.

Because I’m a pretty Asian girl (apparently Asian women do well there), I got hired on the spot. I was actually supposed to start tonight, but I couldn’t bring myself to do something so degrading. All weekend long, I was dreading the possibility of getting paid to be some strange, unattractive man’s companion for an evening. Thoughts of trashy men trying to rub up against me plagued my mind until it made me sick to my stomach.

I used to joke that I’d love to have a sugar daddy as long as I didn’t have to give any of my sugar away. Suddenly, that idea didn’t seem so appealing anymore, especially because you and I both know that daddy will want some sugar and will try to get it one way or another (and I was afraid of that other way, to be quite honest).

Determined not to have to resort to such means to earn a living, I made it my mission on Friday morning to apply to at least five jobs. (Mission accomplished). Unfortunately, I’m usually underqualified or overqualified for some of these positions, but that didn’t deter me one bit. I’ve got nothing to lose and only everything to gain, I kept telling myself.

I also picked up the local newspaper to check out the classifieds upon the suggestion of Heather Wagenhal, the host of Unlock Your Wealth Radio. I’ve been a guest on her radio show for a few weeks now as her Unlock Your Wealth Protege. She’s been following my trials and tribulations as a struggling recession grad through a series of coaching calls and radio show interviews.

She suggested I take the job at the gentleman’s club under the notion that sometimes, you have to do things you don’t want to do to survive. To hell with that notion! I think it just helps with her ratings if she can make me some success story, but I’m stubborn as hell. I don’t want to take any old job just to quit within a month every time I find something better. I’m looking for a job that sticks and is in tune with my overall career goals.

The Funeral

It’s ironic that a moment of sadness shed light on my situation. Saturday afternoon, I attended the funeral service of my college roommate from a couple years ago. He died at the age of 29 from a rare liver cancer. He was probably one of the most carefree people I’ve ever met, so much so that when he went through his own period of unemployment, it didn’t phase him one bit (hell, I never even noticed he was unemployed!)

When his father got up to say his parting words during the service, he mentioned that period of unemployment and  having expressed his concern to his son. “When are you going to get a job?” he’d ask. The answer: “I don’t want a soul-sucking job.”

That statement really stuck out in my mind for the rest of weekend. Suddenly, I had gained new found clarity from the afterlife. “I don’t want a soul-sucking job,” I repeated to myself. I feel the same way, Jona.

Then I realized that losing my job was truly a blessing in disguise. Now is my chance to take charge of my future. Now is my chance to find a job that has meaning and doesn’t suck the soul from me. Now is my chance to open all the doors and choose for myself which ones to close.

Opening Doors

This morning, I scored a last minute interview for an Internet marketing job that was referred to me by a friend. I think the Interview went pretty well; he seemed to like my enthusiasm.

I was also fortunate enough to score an interview for tomorrow working for a company that does marketing and promotions for newspapers. It may seem boring to you, but as a journalism graduate who never learned the business side of things, I figured this would be a great opportunity to learn more about my field of interest.

At this point, I’m just playing the waiting game until Wednesday because I’m pretty confident that these options are very likely to work out in my favor. If not, I’m prepared to do what I did last week all over again to score myself two more interviews for next week. After all, persistence is critical during times like these.

By the way, I just got a text message from Club Starlight asking if I was still interested in the job. (Four hours after my call time? Really? And via text?) Um…. considering I was a no-show, I’d have to say that the answer is pretty clear. I just couldn’t bare the thought of putting myself in a position to potentially get raped in the ghetto of L.A. I think I’ll keep my dignity and pride in tact, thank you very much.